Today I am writing a blog. PhwoahhHH?
It’s been 15 months since I started this secret blog (which
as it turns out is not so secret, practically everyone I know stalkerishly
reads it and makes subtle or outright reference to it, and yet without a hint
of complement or revere for my brutally unabashed rambles and penchant for pointless
parenthesised asides to display alliterative, figurative flourish and my strong
command of wily-long sentences) and six months have passed since I started
this sentence my last entry.
A lot has happened in my life since September 2013.
I live more independently, but I am less happy.
I have been increasingly social, but I feel more isolated.
My working hours have nearly halved, and paradoxically, so
have my writing hours.
I have met some terrifically kind and interesting people,
yet I often pine for and lament lost friendships.
I am producing spontaneous sketches with friends, and there
is no con to this. I am pitching jokes, supposing wildly, acting, directing,
editing, calling for atmos, ordering wigs, practising old Parisian dance steps...
I am learning a lot about collaboracy.
Among the anguish, doubt and depression I bat off daily,
this regular sketching is a pick-me-up, an obligation, helpfully
future-oriented.
Today I have an assignment due. So I went out for a walk.
Who am I kidding? I went out for a run. It was an honest, guilt-free run –
maybe linked to procrastination, but I just really felt like running. It’s been
a while. Lately, when I walk or wajog (like jazzercise or yogalates, except
unrecognised and uncool) I can’t help but dwell on my unhappily unpredictable
situation. I concentrate too hard on the R&B beats to ‘lift’ me into the running
mode and enter that blissfully blank state of mind of calm and writerly genius.
I used to write my blog entries on walks/runs.
Today was a breakthrough. I wrote this blog – the line – in
my head while enjoying involuntary leg leaps. I say “enjoy” when it’s not wholly
sublime for unfit individuals such as myself. It’s only enjoyable when you hit
the ‘sweet spot’ of ‘blankdom’, or in the post-exercise stage when those
endorphins really, richly take a hold and spur you on to tackle that bitch of a
day ahead. As I say, lately when I walk or wajog, it’s been a task, a checklist
item for good health, positive self-image, fender-awayerer of melancholy.
Unfortunately, my propensity to worry every minute of the day has seized the early
hour of endorphin creation. I would come home, torso well-stretched, head
pulsing with gangstah beats, and glimmer that inner joy I used to naturally wake
up feeling.... and then cry. That’s just not how it’s supposed to go. Some days
I cry on the walk. That’s really not right. Other days I crave sleep and do absolutely
nothing between meetings / class / waitressing / obligatory social plans. I
just worry.
Today is different. On my run, I started thinking about
something I’m going to edit; something very appealing; a music video as such.
It’s a sketch that was a lot of fun to film and that isn’t really like anything
I’ve seen before. It was a fanciful idea that was funny to both me and my
writing partner and it’s hard to pinpoint why exactly. Nonetheless, we got
visionary about it. One thought led to another, and I started writing this
blog.
I suppose I was turned off blogging it as I learned people I
knew had chanced across it (as opposed to the legion of nerdy wannabe writers
that would discover it in a decade’s time when I’m actually successful, which
it was intended for; or solely for myself as a chronicle). I guess I became
self-conscious and sheepish and feared censoring myself when I needed an
outlet. Instead of blogging, I used words in conversation which is also good.
But it meant I stopped the practise of writing, which is similarly the expressing
of ideas and feelings, except it’s fundamentally more reflective; you see the
words, you see connections, you rearrange, you get creative. That was switched
off; needing oil (doubly metaphoric, yet unrelated – see what I mean?). The
brilliant thing about journalling and chronicling my writings with a blog
is that I’m less dependent on others. Coffees and sundry catch ups were always
times to speak, to confess, to opine, to practise wit in another form, which
was why I entertained one or two a day. I do want to go out less and even skip
seeing certain individuals so regularly. Leaning on social occasions (which
inherently involve other people), I leant less on writing (which can be done
independently, and incredibly usefully for my profession). Both time spent with others and time alone
are important; I have considered becoming a total recluse in the hopes of
gathering more physical, emotional and cognitive strength; but I understand
that balance is the key to good health, and what kind of writer would I be if I
completely severed human interaction and experiences from my life?
Routine. More fixed hours for study, work, play, and
writing. More stable personal life, to be frank. I have been romantically
interested in an absolute few, though peripherally distracted and entangled with some more, I
realised that I need practice being normal and wholesome. A recent casual
romance that was long-denially-fancied, unexpectedly started, then stopped,
then start-stopped, stop-started, star-sto-start-start-stopped-started, has
been a wee bit exhausting. Emotionally, that is (...why does my blog attract
such gutterminds?). It’s doomed, we both know. But there has been just the
right mix of signals to entertain it, lean on it (procrastinate), hope for it.
At least, I have learned more about aloofness and things unspoken and assumed.
Script note: no one knows can possibly, accurately guess what goes on inside
your mind.
What goes on inside my mind?
The condensed version:
- Write and direct more sketches
- Develop this exciting web series
- Get another part-time job
- Get another writing/editing job
- Be a more dependable friend
- Be a more available daughter/sister
- Hold artsy catch ups and introduce people to each other
- Quit Facebook (oh, I loathe “chatting” and “seen” messages, oh but the circulation and marketing of sketches!)
- Save money, somehow
- Get a Masters in Belgium
- Pick up French
- Do fun runs
- Eat all the food groups
- Buy more Vitamin B12
- Broccoli
- Quinoa
- Dark chocolate
- Toilet paper
- Create more space. Get a desk. Stop living out of suitcases and canvas bags
- Tax the rich
Assignmenting calls. Volunteering beckons. Waitressing
shrieks.
See you next week!!!!!!!
(rhymology, nearly!)
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